Questions:
1. What causes low self-esteem?
People assume if you talk to yourself negatively you must have LSE. Not so. Negative self-talk has nothing to do with a lack of confidence. It’s a way of coping with anxiety. People are afraid if they’re not hard on themselves they will fail or be rejected. So, they second-guess themselves, compare themselves to others, and self-criticize. Sound familiar? Fear of rejection and failure are normal. But you don’t need to be hard on yourself to avoid them. Do you talk to yourself negatively? Answer in the comments section of this video.
2. Is there something wrong with me?
The short answer is no, but you’re not alone in wondering this. Most people walk around with feelings of inadequacy: I’m not good enough, I’m undeserving or there’s something’s inherently wrong with me. Then they look for reassurance from others that they’re not. They’re like a cup with a hole in it. No matter how much positive feedback they get, they keep needing more. There’s only one way to plug up the hole: learn to self-validate. Check out my video, “How do I stop being hard on myself?” to learn how.
3. Why do I keep looking for reassurance?
Because you’re treating others as mirrors for a sense-of-self. Let me explain. Part of role of a parent is to be what therapist’s call a “mirroring object” for their child. How parents respond - their tone of voice, words, and body language – affects how children see themselves. Positive mirroring gives a child a sense of self-worth, competence, control, and normalcy that they carry throughout their lives. Adults who grew up with negative mirroring continue to look for positive mirroring from outside the family. They are hyper-focused on how people react to them and try to avoid negative responses by mind-reading, rehashing, and anticipating people’s reactions. To learn how to stop doing this, check out my video, “How do I stop people pleasing.”
4. Why am I so hard on myself?
Because you’re afraid you’ll fail or be rejected if you aren’t. You think, “I can’t just be myself. I’m not good enough the way that I am. I must be hard on myself or I’m gonna screw up and no one will like me.” Of course, you would never say this to someone you care about. Why do you give better advice to others than you do to yourself? Because when you’re talking to others, it’s from a place of reason and values. When you talk to yourself, it’s from a place of insecurity and fear. Learn how to be your own best friend in my video, “How do I stop being hard on myself?”
5. Don’t I need to be hard on myself to avoid mistakes?
No. The only way to avoid mistakes is by learning from them. There is nothing to be gained by being judgmental or critical of yourself. This just makes you feel worse. Instead, be “like the detective Columbo, but without the trench coat and cigar.” Ask yourself, “What was I thinking and feeling?” “What was going on for me in that moment, that day, that week?” “What about my upbringing or other experiences played a role in how I handled the situation?” Do you judge yourself? Answer in the comments section of this video.
6. How do I stop being hard on myself?
By learning to self-validate. It’s easier than you think because you do it for others all the time. I have two self-validation techniques. The first is called “be your own best friend.” Whenever you’re being hard on yourself, ask yourself, “Would I speak to a loved one this way?” Of course, the answer is “No.” You know this would make the person feel worse and wouldn’t even help solve the problem. Then ask yourself, “What would I say instead?” If you wouldn’t speak to others this way, you certainly shouldn’t be speaking this way to yourself. The second technique is called “the opposite of the Golden Rule.” You have a right to be treated the way you treat other people. Ask yourself, “If the situation were reversed, would I treat this person the way they’re treating me?” If not, what would you do instead? While not everyone will treat you the way you deserve, at least you know the problem isn’t you.
7. How do I stop people-pleasing?
Stop treating people as mirrors for a sense-of-self. I have an expression, “People are like carnival mirrors. You're never going to get an accurate reflection of yourself.” Why? Because most people don't know how to manage or communicate their feelings. They react without thinking. When you treat people as mirrors, you’re basing your sense-of-self on dysfunctional coping and communication. Remember: if someone’s giving you feedback and it’s making you feel bad about yourself, they’re probably doing it wrong. There’s always a positive way to give feedback. You’re not responsible for how others manage their feelings or express them. Are there people in your life who make you feel bad about yourself? Answer in the comments section of this video.
8. How do I avoid making mistakes?
I’ll give you a hint: it’s not by anticipating the worst. Instead follow this 3-step process: (1) Identify what you’re afraid will happen, (2) Identify how it will happen. Be specific, and (3) Identify what’s in your control. For example, you must give a presentation at work. (1) You’re afraid of doing a bad job and being fired. (2) Specifically, you’re afraid your mind will go blank, your presentation will be boring, and it won’t meet your boss’s expectations. (3) What’s in your control is to make notes for yourself in the slides, create ways to keep the audience engaged, and keep your boss in the loop of your progress. What mistakes do you most worry about making? Answer in the comment section of this video.
9. How do I stop being a perfectionist?
I have an expression: you don’t have a crystal ball to see into the future, but you can have a toolbox full of coping skills to take with you wherever you go. Life is full of uncertainty. You can’t predict every outcome and control every variable. But you can learn to adapt when something unexpected happens. The more coping skills you have in your toolbox, the more self-confident you are because you know, no matter what happens, you’ll find a way through it. For more on overcoming perfectionism, check out my video, “Why am I so hard on myself?” Are you a perfectionist? Answer in the comments section of this video.
10. How do I learn to love myself?
By embracing your humanity. Tell people, “I can’t promise I won’t hurt, annoy, disappoint, frustrate or offend you, but I can promise I won’t do it deliberately.” We all do things we’re ashamed of. It’s OK. Remind yourself, “I’m only human.” In my video, “Don’t I need to be hard on myself to improve?” I explain how to learn from your mistakes without being hard on yourself. We also need to hold others accountable for being more tolerant. I have an expression, “When you embrace your mistakes, you disarm your enemies.” No one can shame you or put you on the defensive if you accept when you’re wrong. To learn more about self-acceptance, check out my video, “How do I stop being hard on myself?”
Take-Aways:
Negative self-talk sounds like low self-esteem but it’s really a coping mechanism people use to avoid rejection and failure.
Everyone experiences feelings of inadequacy: feeling not good enough, undeserving, or there’s something inherently wrong with you.
Adults who grew up with negative “mirroring” treat other people as mirrors for a sense-of-self.
Most people think they must be hard on themselves to avoid rejection and failure, even though they would never give this advice to others.
Learn from your mistakes by understanding rather than judging your behavior.
You are capable of self-validating because you do it for others all the time.
You are not responsible for how people manage or express their feelings.
The way to avoid mistakes is NOT by anticipating the worst, but by problem-solving what’s in your control.
The more coping skills you have, the more self-confident you are because you know, no matter what happens, you’ll manage it.
If you acknowledge your mistakes, your enemies can’t shame you or put you on the defensive.
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